The Party's Over

Monday night I was at Walmart when S called me.

There was lots of people around, plus I was on my headset so I couldn't hear every single word that she was saying. But instead of saying, "Huh?" every few seconds I was just doing that thing where you say "uh-huh" every once in a while to acknowledge the other party is talking, only half-listening to what they're saying.

I was in the milk section when I heard, "blah, blah, blah, keeping it."

Me	Uh-h... wait. What did you say?
S	[garbled] [static] [talking too softly]
Me	Keeping what?
S	That thing I have in my stomach!
Me	You're keeping the baby?!
S	Yeah.
Me	When did you decide this?
S	DS and I talked about it today.
Me	I thought DS didn't want to keep it either.
S	Well, he just didn't want his dad to be around it. Now that we're moving in with his mom it'll be ok.
Me	Oh, S. Please don't do this. You know you don't want to keep it.
S	(crickets...)

I fucking KNEW this was going to happen!

Apparently DS has some relative who's "rich" and every question I asked was answered with this rich aunt he has.

Yeah, she's ready to have a baby like I'm ready to be in a swimsuit competition. She can't even SAY baby!

That THING I have in my stomach

Seriously!!!

So I'm wandering dazed through the isles and my phone calls C. (It has a mind of its own sometimes.) I had my headset on and all of a sudden I heard the dingle in my ear. I answered it, surprised.

C	You sound funny.
Me	I'm just surprised. My phone called you, I didn't.
C	Well it would have been nice if you had called me.
Me	Sorry. I'm still in shock.
C	Why?
Me	S is keeping the baby.

C was not happy about the news. I related the conversation I'd had with S to her. She asked a lot of rhetorical questions. Then she ended with, "Well, I'm going to go yell at her... unless you forbid me."

She's so funny.

Both C and CR yelled at her. Not that it did any good.

The bad thing is that I found this news out at Walmart. Before I knew it my cart was filled with Oreos, Little Debbies and icecream.

Later, I remembered the few minutes of guilty pleasure I'd allowed myself when I was looking at cribs online. I guess my suit of detachment-armor wasn't so strong afterall.

Dammitdammitdammit.

E Gets Blackmailed

Over the weekend I sent an email to E's grandparents telling them long, sad story of E's legal name.

I added E to my pre-paid legal service that I have through my work. I called to ask them about E changing his last name, but because he's over 18 they wouldn't talk to me about it. The lady said, "Is there some reason why he can't call for himself?"

Yes, because he's 19 and doesn't know anything.

So I could only ask about the process. Fine. Whatever. I really just wanted to know how much it was going to cost. (About $500, in case you were wondering.) But I also have to keep him on the plan at $17/mo.

But I decided I wasn't going to pay for that. I'm not vested in his paternal side of the family at all. If they want him to have their last name, they can pay for it. I've gone above and beyond just putting him on my plan.

So in the email I told them how much it would cost. If they couldn't pay for it, that's fine, but I'd like to know so I could take him off the plan.

Sunday, J (E & S's dad) called. He said he'd give me a credit card over the phone and to go ahead and set things up. I asked if he wanted to talk to E and he said he'd call him later.

He did call E later. They talked for quite a while. He (J) talked so loudly that I could hear some words, but I couldn't make out everything. But I distinctly heard something about "not letting that side of the family know."

So I asked E when he got off the phone, "What was all that about?"

E	Changing my name.
Me	Really? Because you were on there for a long time.
E	Yeah. (Long pause -- I guess deciding if he was going to tell me or not.) He says he won't pay for it unless I stay in KS.
Me	Really!?
E	Yeah. (laughs) But he didn't say how long I had to stay in KS.

I have to admit, I was jealous for a second, because it seemed like a good idea and I admonished myself for not thinking of it.

But then, when I saw it wasn't going to work, I thought, "Well, there you go. It was a stupid idea. That's why I didn't think of it."

But we're not supposed to know about it, so shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Don't tell anyone!

S: New Plan in the Works

I called S on Friday (the 31st). No answer. I called her on Saturday. No answer.

Hmmmm. Me thinkest she might be dodging my calls.

She went out to dinner with a friend Friday night, and didn't come home. I think she was gone either all or most of the day on Saturday, too. Apparently she showed up on Sunday.

CR called me first yesterday. She told me that S intends to move to Abilene... or maybe it was Amarillo... some city that started with an "A" in TX. DS's mother lives there, so they're going to go live with her. CR told me that DS's mother intended to put S on her insurance at work. I was like, "Nowadays, I can't even imagine someone having such good health insurance that they can add their son's pregnant girlfriend, but I guess it's nice if you can get it."

CR also told me that DS's mother (I have no idea what her name is, therefore I'm shortening it to DSM) didn't know about the pregnancy until yesterday and she was all, "Oh! My first grandchild!" Great. Because this situation isn't messy enough...

S also told CR that she'd tried to call me, but I didn't answer. In this age, where we have nifty technology like caller-id, why do people still lie about that? Yep, you guessed it. Her number was not in the caller-id list.

So I called her. Talking to her is so bizarre because she sounds like she knows what's going on, but then, OTOH, she also sounds delusional.

S told me that DSM has Medicaid. So that explains the health insurance.

When I asked her about transportation, she said that DSM has an old truck, which she has to get tags for. DSM will keep the truck, and she'll give her old car to DS and let him trade it in on whatever he wants. (Like it's going to be an even trade-in or something...)

Of course, all of this is contingent on the fact that DS gets his probation moved to the A-city that I can't remember the name of. (That might actually happen as TX only got up in arms when he tried to leave the state.)

Also, DSM had at least 2 kids that were adopted by other family members.

I told S:

• Lots of things need to happen in a short period of time, but I'm not paying for a home study until she gets settled on the plan.
• Don't let DSM guilt you into something that you don't want. You've been quite clear in the fact that you don't want this kid. Don't let her talk you into keeping it.
• Don't assume that DSM's experience with family members adopting her babies will be the same as yours. It may be, but it could also be quite different.
• I want daily updates. The business day ends at 5:00. I want a message of some sort by 5:01. Every day.
  

I have to wonder if DSM will let her lay on the couch 23 hours a day.

She is still very concerned about DS's drinking and drug habits. She thinks she can save him. I know. Delusional, right?

CR doesn't believe any of this will happen. S has said she's moving out so many times, and it has fallen through every time. So she's like, "[eh] I'll believe it when it happens."

I don't know enough about DSM to even guess when, or if all of this will happen. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Feelin' GREAT Today!

The drama started early at my house today.

CR had called mom and she was briefed on the events of yesterday. This is how the conversation began:

Mom thought you and I should talk before I go kill my daughter.

HA! Take all the mystery out of it, why dontchya?

Here's the Reader's Digest version: DR is ready to kick her out, and CR is not far behind. I told her not to kill S. Prison isn't worth it.

So, CR did talk to her. She said it was like pulling teeth trying to get her to talk. S swore there was no money involved with the CA agency. (Yeah, right. I'll bet you've got a bridge to sell me too.) Anyway, her [main] bone of contention is that she doesn't want to come to KS.

CR also invoked the MIGHTY POWER of GUILT (when you say that in your head, make sure the echo reverberates) with time-tested phrases like:

• Do you have any idea what your life would have been like without R in it?
• Who do you think paid for that class ring on your finger?
• Several variations on the "who do you think paid for that" theme
  

CR has spent all day calling attorneys... or, rather, trying to get them to call her back. One thing she found out was that in TX if the birth mother is under-age (which, S is only 17) then CR can sign the paper for her. But here's the thing: S turns 18 ten days before the baby is due. So that plan is good only if the baby comes 11 (or more) days sooner than it's due.

I did my little part and called my pre-paid legal place to see if they could refer me to a TX attorney. (They can.)

In all the phone calls of the past 24 hours, I've gotten more props for doing my part with the kids than I have in the past 19 years. So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about myself today.

Regarding the baby, here's my stance: It's S's decision. CR can try to point her this way or that way, but S is the one who has to look herself in the mirror every day. I do not know what part DS is playing in the decision-making (and I'll bet he is playing a part), but that's still S's decision as to how involved she makes him.

Of course I want the baby. And if I get it, I will love it and do my best to take care of it. But I'm not going to compete with anyone to get it. If I don't get it, I hope the people that do will love it and take care of it as I would. I'm feeling very detached from the process, and I think that's a good thing right now.

Regardless of the outcome, S has really shown her true colors in the process. My mother said that she has no respect for S left. I know I certainly don't feel the same about her as I did a week ago. Even CR said on the phone this morning, "Over the years E has done a lot of things that I didn't care for. But I never thought of him as a disappointment. But that's how I think of S now."

---

And now, today's horoscopes.

Me:
Disagreements of one sort or another are likely over the next 24 hours and the atmosphere may not be entirely to your liking, but with Mars on your side there is nothing you need to be afraid of. Give as good as you get - then give a bit more.

CR:
You may be of the opinion that might makes right, and in certain areas you may be correct in that assumption, but what happens today will show you that it is much better to win others round by persuasion than by forcing them to change.

S:
Others will try to force you to do things you don't want to do today, and you must resist. On the work front especially you need to be more assertive, even at the risk of upsetting important people. What's important about them? Their stupidity for starters. (Dear Horoscope People: She just lays on her butt all day! If that's what passes for "work" these days, where do I apply?)

It's like the recipe for the perfect storm, isn't it? I think detachment will serve me well in this battle. Now hand me my lance and I will trot gallantly into the sunset...

Or...! Maybe I should give Jerry Springer a call...?

Roller Coaster

What a roller coaster of a day!

We have a benefit at my work that allows us to subscribe to pre-paid legal services. I originally signed up because I wanted to have a will drawn up. Anyway, since I'm a member, I can call and talk to an attorney and they will not be trying to get me off the line because I haven't paid a retainer fee.

So I got to ask all the questions I wanted about the adoption. Long story short, it would make my life infinitely easier if S were to have the baby in KS. Also, if the service refers me to an attorney, then I get 25% off the bill. And since we're talking thousands of dollars here, that could be a pretty big chunk of change!

Plus, I double-verified that my health insurance would cover her and the baby starting right now. She just has to be in KS. I was super excited about this as she hasn't seen a doctor in over 2 months! (I know, I know! Don't get me started!)

Woo-Hoo! tick-tick-tick... going up... tick-tick-tick...

Then I called S. I'd given her way more days to think about things than I said I was going to. We chit-chatted about nothing in particular for a few minutes. I won't give you a play-by-play, but let me just highlight some portions of the conversation for you.

It's all your fault!

Referring to her inability to make a decision about moving to KS to have the baby. Make sure you insert the whine when you say that in your head. I told her there's several people responsible for her pregnancy, but I wasn't one of them!

You're just heaping a big bucket of stress on me!

More whine with this one. This was after I'd forced her into a corner and told her she needed to suck it up and be a grown-up.

Throw your hands up... big hill! AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Here's the deal: At some point S contacted an adoption agency in California. (No, I don't have any details on how she got the number, when she picked them, how she picked them, etc. I was kinda blind-sided by this info.) They have made it as easy on her as it can be: pick the parents from the packet they'd sent her, sign this piece of paper, we'll take care of the baby after its born, viola! You're done!

Loop-de-loop! Here it comes! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

As she's talking about the packet it suddenly dawned on me, "OMG. Does she expect me to justify myself as a parent?" I was so stunned by the thought that I blurted out, "You don't know these pepole, except what you've read about them in the packet. You've known me for almost 18 years. I've been there in the good and the bad. You know I'll do everything I can to take care of this baby."

"They're going to fly out here to meet me."
"Great," I told her. "That'll be like a first date. Everyone will be on their best behavior."

That's about the time I sorta lost it and told her that it was her decision and she needed to suck it up.

I called my mom to tell her about the conversation. (CR was still in bed at this point, since she works nights.) As we were talking it occurred to both of us at about the same time that the CA agency was probably offering her boat loads of cash as well.

Please remain seated while the ride comes to a complete stop. Gather your belongings and exit to the right...

Frankly, I hit the wall in that moment of ephinany. I am not paying her to adopt her baby! She is delusional if she thinks that's going to happen. I'm so pissed at her being such a whiny, selfish baby about the whole thing I can't see straight.

---

In other news... I decided that I'm not going to buy E any more medication. If he's fine with moving to TX (and it's all he talks about), and he knows he's not going to have meds down there, then I shouldn't have to bust my hump trying to get them for him here.

I told him about my decision and he was completely fine with it. So that should be fun!

The Cat Is Out of the Bag

When CR and I talked on Saturday, we eventually got around to discussing Big D's sister, who recently announced she's pregnant.

Blah, blah, blah, pregnant... blah, blah, blah, babies...

So I figured, this is a good a time as any...

Me	So ... I need to talk to you about S.
CR	Ok.
Me	Well, she's decided to give the baby up for adoption.
CR	I kinda figured. She hasn't mentioned it in a while, so I thought she'd changed her mind. How did you find out?
Me	I'd heard she was thinking about it so I just asked her.
CR	(silence)
Me	And I was thinking I would adopt the baby.
CR	We'd thought about asking you early on, but then it seemed like she changed her mind and we didn't want to get your hopes up.

By "we" she meant herself and DR. I guess its nice that everyone was thinking of me, but do these people not realize that something like this takes time?? Oh, and she had already talked to mom about it! (But mother failed to mention that to me because she was, "trying to stay neutral")

She took it much better than I'd anticipated. Kind of sad, and yet resigned. JL thinks that she is [finally!] coming to the conclusion that she just can't bring another kid into her < insert adjective here > life. In retrospect, my timing was excellent with E being back there and eating them out of house and home for a week.

I called mom to tell her that CR knew and she didn't have to worry about keeping the secret anymore. And she was like, "Did you tell her that **I** didn't tell you?" I told her I'd try to work that in the next conversation I had with CR.

"Well, why wouldn't you be able to work that in?" You're killing me, mother, stick the knife in, jab it, twist it, make-a-figure-eight-with-it killing me.

I responded, "Well, let's say she calls to talk about E. She says, 'So, how's E?' Am I supposed to respond with, 'BTW, Mom didn't tell me anything.' Seems a little out of place don't you think?"

Later CR texted me:

Mom should be happy that this would only make her a grandma again instead of a great grandma.

And then again:

I know I said I wanted to be an aunt from my side of the family but this wasn't exactly how I thought it would happen.

I still haven't heard from S. I know, it was too much to think she might take some responsibility on her own. Oddly, CR and I were on the same page again here: we both thought she needs to move to KS to have the baby and facilitate the adoption.

Someone check the temperature in hell... It must be getting chilly with CR and I agreeing twice in one weekend.

E is back in town

E came back on Saturday night / Sunday. (Had to pick him up at the bus depot at 2:45AM, thankyouverymuch!)

I think he really wants to go back to TX. It was a good week for him. Even S had to admit that he is a changed person. I could tell from her voice that it hurt her to say that. Oddly, CR's comment on the week was, "We didn't kill each other." Which, to me, is a far cry from all the other reports I got. Interesting, eh?

But there's the issue of getting his stuff back to TX -- especially his truck. I talked to CR on Saturday and we both agreed that he should come back, get a job (ANY job!) and save up the money to get his stuff back there. She told him this before he left. I told him the same thing when he got home. He spent several hours on Sunday going through several job-related websites. Its amazing how much more motivated he is when he's getting the same message all 'round.

He and I also went over his portion of the budget again. I found the books I used to use to keep track of my expenses when I first moved out on my own and I gave that to him and helped him get it set up. Then we set up a little spreadsheet. As we finished I said, "Now don't freak out over this stuff again!"

E	I am freaking out.
Me	Well, stop it. It'll be fine. We just have to start keeping track of this stuff.
E	Ok. But I'm freaking out.

He called me yesterday (Monday) at work. He was still freaking out, only worse.

E	You need to sell the Civic.
Me	Why?
E	It's just costing you extra money.
Me	What are you going to drive? The truck?
E	Yes.
Me	(thinking)
E	The gas mileage is not that different.
Me	Ok. But I'm busy at work and can't discuss this right now.

I'm beginning to see what a wonderful parenting technique deferring is.

I was prepared to discuss the windshield that needs to be replace on the truck, the registration tags that need to be paid for, etc., when I got home last night. However, he was no where to be found.

I put all my stuff away and finally ended up in his bedroom. He was all bundled up in bed.

Me	(just staring because the light is off and I can't tell if he's awake or not)
E	What?
Me	Oh, you're awake. What's wrong?
E	I'm freezing.

Ok, the house was a little chilly, but certainly not freezing. I kissed his forehead. He was hot.

Dang it! This is, like, the 3rd or 4th fever he's had in as many months. He runs a fever for 2 or three days and then he's back to normal.

Me	Did you eat?
E	No.
Me	(thinking: uh-oh...) Do you want something to eat?
E	No.
Me	(thinking: uh-oh... bad sign...) I could fix you something... how 'bout some raemen noodles?
E	No. I'm not hungry.

Uh-oh, that's a really bad sign.

I got some tylenol in him and that, of course, helped his headache... which in turn allowed him to eat some noodles.

I sent tylenol with him to his bedroom and told him to take them as soon as he woke up.

Anyone besides me think this could be a side-effect of his meds?

Things Are Starting to Look Up

I had a brainstorm last night.

It occurred to me that I have the money I'd need to adopt the little one in my retirement account. But, oh! The taxes on taking any money from that account... but wait! My mother is actually retired! She could take the money out of her account without the big tax hit and I could pay her back when I get my taxes back... ah, yes! I see a plan forming...

I talked to S first, because, frankly, it's not my information to share that she's giving up the baby. She had no problem with me sharing with my mother. I am a little worried, tho. She doesn't seem to want anyone to know until the very last moment. But that worry is for another day, I guess.

I talked to my mother this morning. She was a little overwhelmed, but I think it took some of the sting out of the news that I was going to adopt the baby. NO, that's not why I'm doing it, just in case you were wondering. She is going to talk to her tax guy.


Transportation Update
Big D's brother, SC, and his wife just had a baby. So the wife is staying home right now. So SC lent Big D his truck to drive to work, while SC is driving his wife's vehicle. Granted, it's not a long-term solution, but maybe in that amount of time E & Big D can get one (or more) of the vehicles in the back yard working.

It's Just Too Much

Last week, when I talked to CR, she had mentioned that both she and Big D were in hot water at their jobs. Mostly because they had only one vehicle. She couldn't stay as late as her boss wanted, and if she stayed late at all, it made Big D late for work.

While E was on the bus, I suppose he was somewhere in Oklahoma, CR called me to say the truck had been repossessed. And while they have 4 vehicles in their back yard, apparently none of them are running. It would cost about the same amount to get one of them running as it would to go out and buy some cheap piece of sh!t.

Once again I tried to convince CR that the cost of living in KS is cheaper than her resort town in TX. I was wasting my breath. I doubt Big D will ever leave TX.

Boy, E sure knows how to pick the right time to go for a "visit", eh? Actually, it probably is a good time because that's how CR's house always is: all chaos, all the time.

CR told my mother that she's going to try and convince E to come back to live with me. And when I talked to CR on Saturday, she told me (for the first time!) that E living with me was the right place for him to be. I nearly dropped the phone.

I know E wants to be in TX. He misses his friends and family. He's also under the delusion that he can bypass the formal paperwork for getting a job and work his family connections. Only he doesn't know about Big D's situation. And Big D's step-dad was recently laid off. So much for family connections.

Honestly, I don't even know what to hope for during his visit. He won't have his medicine while he's there. CR was very clear that she could not afford to put him on her insurance at work, much less pay for his meds.

Financially, I'm in a very bad place. So, him moving back to TX would at least allow me to work on the mountain of debt.

And as long as I'm airing my dirty laundry, it doesn't seem like I'm going to be able to adopt S's baby. Turns out, adoptions are very expensive! It will cost between $5,000 - $10,000 to get all the paperwork done.

Now before y'all respond and tell me that I can't save everyone, I want to share a phrase that I was reminded of driving into work today. Years ago I used to have several books on Murphy's Law. They each had oodles and kaboodles of corollaries and postulates based on the original, "If anything can go wrong, it will." The one that popped into my brain was, "If you can keep your head when everyone around you is losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation."

If my family goes down the drain, dragging the kids along with it, what is the point if I keep my head above water?

Dejected

Just dropped E off at the bus station. He's very nervous about riding the bus, but there's no transfers, so he should be ok. I showed him how to read his itinerary. He should be fine.

The good thing about anti-depressants is that they take the edge off the really bad feelings so you can focus and be more objective.

The bad thing about anti-depressants is that its almost impossible to cry. (Its almost impossible to do other things too, but that's for another post.) So I have a lump in my throat, tears waiting in the wings, but they have no where to go.

I'm going to work today to try and keep my mind busy on other things. I have a week to try and get caught up on things that I should have been working on.

I asked E to call or text when he got to TX. He should be ok.

Heard It Through The Grapevine

After E talked to me yesterday, I think he called everyone he knew and told them he was moving back to TX.

He called his sister, S, and she told him not to come.

He called his sister, C, and she told him not to come.

Big D and CR did not return his calls.

My mother tried to talk to him and emphasize how different things would be. Also, how very bad things were before he left. He cut her off and said he didn't want to deal in the past. She got no where. She sent me a text message:

He is determined.

There was also a lot of calling between the members of the family discussing the whole situation.

As I walked out of the office, C called me. She didn't even say, "hi." She started with, "What is going on??!? Why has my brother gone crazy??!?" I wish I knew. BELIEVE me. I wish I knew...

C relayed to me all the conversations that she'd been a part of and the ones she knew about. I filled in the blanks as best I knew them. We eventually agreed that the budget discussion really freaked him out. The timing was just too coincidental.

We talked for almost the whole way home, which, since I live in the middle of no where, is a long effing way. One of her last pieces of advice, before I lost signal, was to yell at him. Her reasoning was that he thought it was ok with me for him to move back to TX. I sighed... I had explained so many times already that day that this wasn't about me. It was about what it was going to do to E. She got that, but she thought the point was lost on him.

So I walked in the door, and started putting my stuff away. E walked in the room and I hit him with, "I had a super shitty day today and it's all your fault!" His eyes were as big as silver dollars. He said, "What did I do?"

C is sometimes too smart for her own good.

We sat down at the table and I just started laying it out for him. All these people he's been putting up on a pedastal... had any of them returned his call? No. I asked him: if you needed someone to pick you up in the middle of the night, do you have any doubt that I'd be there? No. Who talked to you about college? You. Who took you on tours to see colleges? You. Did anyone else even offer to have you live with them? "Well, dad did, but I didn't return his call in time." Yeah, right. I didn't try to argue that point. I told him, "I need you to see things the way they ARE, not they way you WANT them to be."

Then he started crying. Then, "If I could get a gun, I'd kill myself right now." I opened my mouth to respond and he went running out the door. He's barefoot and it's 40 degrees outside. So I'm on the porch yelling, "Come back inside. I won't talk anymore." Pretty soon he ended up on the back porch. So I'm trying to talk through the door, "Do you want a jacket?" No. "Blanket?" NO. "Shoes?" NO!!! Then he came inside, which of course was my goal all along, and stomped down to his room, where he laid on the floor and covered his head with a blanket. So I sat on the stairs. "Are you hungry?" No! I waited a little while, still sitting on the stairs. "Well, I'm going to make me some raemen noodles. And I was thinking I could fix you some noodles too, if you'd like some. Do you want some noodles?" Ever-so-quietly I heard, "Yeeees." Ah, the magical power of noodles.

Here's what we settled on: he's going to take the bus to TX tomorrow and stay with his mom for a week. (CR finally called me back today and she insisted it not be less than a week. She said if it was too short of a visit it would be too easy for him to forget all the chaos.) He had wanted to take the car. I told him that wasn't going to happen. He was thinking he was going to sell his truck and give me the money from the truck and he would just take the car back to TX. Like a trade or something. Um, not just, "no", but HELL NO! I told him if he moved back I'd be selling the car so he better get used to using alternate forms of transportation (because the truck will not make it back to TX). He's really not wild about the bus idea, but as mom noted, he is determined.

I updated C today via text message and got a return text that said:

Nice. He will be begging to come back to you.
I think this will work.

Let's hope she's right.

The End is Near

Last Friday E informed me he wanted to go spend a week at his grandparents. I thought, "Great. Another week he's not going to look for a job." But instead of harping about the job, I decided that we needed to work on the "family budget" that night.

Over the course of the summer I have exhausted my savings and most of my available credit trying to keep him in meds, counselors, food, etc. So when my work offered a class on money management I decided to sign up. One of the first things they went over was creating a budget.

So E and I sat next to the whiteboard and started writing down categories. We made special categories for him and I that were for things ONLY related to us: cell phone, gas for our respective cars, etc. I was killing two birds with one stone. 1) He could see how much he was costing me each month; 2) He would have a working budget when he got a job. I tried to emphasize that sharing this information with him was not to make him feel bad. We just needed to make some decisions and since he lived there I thought he should be involved. I thought it was a very good discussion. Then we played a game of checkers and he kicked my ass.

Last night I had to pick up two of his meds. (I've got him down to 3 pills, btw. Well, he should also be taking something for his acne, so four if he ever gets to see a doctor again.) The lady says, "You know how expensive these are?" I figured they were just as expensive as his other meds, so I said, "Yeah, I know." Then she rang up the meds, "That will be 5 hundred..." WHAT??!? Turns out his new "SUPER expensive" med was $459 for a one month supply. Let me say that again: $459 for a ONE MONTH SUPPLY! (Anyone still confused about why healthcare is screwed up in this country?) I felt like someone sucked all the oxygen out of the room. The other med was "generic" but it still cost $50!

After this trauma I get home and E is... I couldn't come up with a word to describe it, but JL, my friend at worked hit the nail on the head when she said, "manic." He doesn't like living in the middle of no where. He doesn't like living in between the family in TX and the family in KS. He has no friends. He was feeling suicidal again. Something happened at church that he was very nebulous about. He didn't want to try another church because HE'S BAPTIST! He doesn't like his therapist because she's a woman and he can't really talk to her. Oh, and he's not sure he wants to be an auto mechanic anymore. That was almost as distressing as the suicidal comment. He had called and left messages with his dad, Big D, and his grandpa. No one had called him back. He was STRESSED!

And then to top it off, he got a letter from NTB. He had applied for a job there and the manager said he had the job, but he had to take the drug test. But the drug place was only open... whenever the hell they wanted to be open. It took him about a week and a half to finally catch them on a "open" day. They were closed every other day he called.

This letter was from the company that does the pre-screen for NTB. Basically they had flagged E as non-employable because they hadn't gotten his drug test results in 3 days. AND they ran a credit check on him!!!

I left a note for him to call me when he woke up. When he called, he said his heart was set on moving back to TX. I reminded him that he wasn't doing very well there. He wouldn't have his own room because they were in a smaller place. He just said, "Yeah, I don't know why I was like that back then."

He wants to sell his truck and give me the money. I think the whole budget discussion really freaked him out. Its just too coincidental.

If he goes back there all my hard work / money / time / effort / etc. is down the drain.

Whoops! I think I accidentally became a mom?!!

Last week my mother called me and opened the conversation thusly, "What is your sister up to?"

Wha...? Huh? "What on EARTH are you talking about?"

Turns out C had overheard... or, rather oversaw her mother while I was trying to give her an update on her SON, E. Which, my perception of the conversation was that she couldn't have cared less. So C told my mother that the conversation appeared very "serious." My mother naturally assumed...

Instead of answering my question, she asked, "Are you two fighting?"

Oh good grief! Either we're "up" to something, or we're fighting??! So I re-capped the conversation, along with my perception.

"Well, you have to understand her side... " Um, no I really don't. I was told to give her updates, then when I do, she gets her panties all in a bunch. WHATever.

Next on her agenda: *I* have to talk to S. She's not bonding with the baby. She's not taking her pre-natals. And she scared her sister to death when she said she was going to give up the baby.

And this is my problem, how???

I did call S later. Not because it was my problem, but because I wanted to find out the latest scoop with the boyfriend/baby daddy, DS. They've been on and off again all summer. Yep, turns out they're back on again. Plus, they're planning on moving in with some friend of DS's.

Me	What are you going to do about a job?
S	Nothing.
Me	Well how do you expect to pay rent?
S	I don't have to.
Me	Really? And how are you going to manage that?
S	Well, me and DS are sharing a bedroom and the rent is divided between the 4 bedrooms. So DS will pay the rent.

Had I been wearing a blood-pressure cuff, I'm sure it would have burst. But wait, it gets better.

Me	Are you taking your prenatals?
S	No.
Me	Why?
S	They taste ewey. But mom said I don't have to. She said I can take the chewables so at least I'm getting some vitamins.
Me	(1 or 2 decibels lower than "yelling") OMG! You want to be treated like an adult and move in with your boyfriend??!? Then ACT like it! Chewable vitamins are NOT the same as prenatals!

I think I may have burst a blood vessel during that part because what came rolling out my mouth next was clear indication of some sort of brain impairment.

Me	I heard a rumor.
S	Oh no. What kind of rumor?
Me	A rumor about you.
S	Oh great. What was it?
Me	That you are giving up the baby.
S	Where did you hear that?
Me	It doesn't matter. Is it true?
S	Yeah. I figured I don't like being around my 5 year old brother, why would I want a baby around?
Me	(brain overload... switching off now... please keep your pie-hole closed until brain regains function...) You've had a little brother now for, uh, 5 years. So when did you decide this?
S	Almost from the beginning.
Me	(WARNING! Brain is off! Do not say anything!) Would you consider letting me adopt it? (I told you NOT to say anything...)
S	Yeah. Me & DS have discussed it and already thought of that.
Me	So **IF** we do this, you realize there's no take-sies back-sies, right?
S	Yeah.
Me	And do not think that if this happens again that you can just call me up...
S	(laughing) I know.
Me	Ok, so until you are 100% sure, please don't say anything to anyone else in the family.
S	Ok.

That's all I need is for this decision to be made by committee. S tells C; C tells CR &/or my mother and pretty soon its all a big brawl...

So, my big mouth strikes again.

Of course the reality is that it might never happen. S has been so flaky since she got pregnant that who knows how she'll feel once she gives birth. Also, I think it will depend on her status with DS. If they're together, I'm about 90% sure she'll give it up because he doesn't want it. If not, it'll depend on how much whispering in her ear CR has done and probably a dozen other factors that I'm unaware of.

So there you have it. The baby's not due til late December... plenty of time for more drama.

Aaaaand another step back, no, wait, FORWARD!

At least 3 blog-able things have happened recently, but I've been so extraordinarily busy at work I just haven't had time to type them out. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to get you all caught up... before it becomes 4 things.

To continue on with my previous post of E taking things... One morning I had promised I'd leave money out for E to go run an errand for me. But of course, I'd forgotten by the time morning rolled around. Luckily E had gotten up before I left that day and reminded me. So I went to my bedroom and went to my dollar-bill hiding place, not to be confused with my state-quarter hiding place, and ... IT WAS EMPTY!

Oh, I was furious. I came flying out of the room, got in his faced and yelled stated emphatically, "My money is gone!"

Wide-eyed he looked at me and almost whispered, "I didn't take it."

Still emphatic, "REALLY?"

Unfortunately, all this happened right before I was supposed to walk out the door, so we didn't have time to finish the "discussion."

I was pissed all day. Dammit. There was almost $100 missing. Dammit.

I was still pissed when I walked in the door that night. He was laying on the floor in the living room watching TV. I said, "Is there anything you want to tell me before I tear my room apart looking for that money?"

"I didn't do anything wrong," he said.

I don't think the FBI could have done a better search of my room. And guess what? I found the damn money. As soon as I found it I sorta remembered having that argument with myself about whether or not to move it... and I apparently decided to move it. Also? It was much closer to $50 than $100.

Yumyumyum, yummy crow...

I sucked it up and admitted that I'd accused him when I shouldn't have and I apologized profusely. Then I decided to use that whole situation, even my accusal of him to talk about the real world implications. "So lets say you see a shiny new tool laying on the garage floor, and you think that would be a cool tool to have in your toolbox..." and how giving into that temptation could lead to loss of job, friends, freedom. It was a good talk ... for both of us.

As a reward for this new-found trust, I placed an "emergency $10" under the dish holding the state quarters. I told him about it and just asked that he talk to me before using it.

2 steps forward, 1 step back

When E was little he had a terrible time with taking things that weren't his. On his first day of kindergarten CR told the teacher. Rather condescendingly, the teacher told her not to worry about it; many kids have this problem.

On day 2 of kindergarten, CR brought back all the things that E had taken from the teacher's desk the day before. The teacher laughed it off. And then she gave CR a pamphlet on the topic.

On the third day, CR again brought back all the things that E had taken and the teacher, simply amazed, said, "Oh, he's good."

He would quit for a while and all of us adults would think, "Whew! Thank goodness THAT phase is over!" Then he'd start again and catch us all by surprise. At one point, I think he was about 10, I would strip search him at the door. After he'd spent the weekend with me, I'd let him pack all his stuff up and then we'd stop at the door. I'd empty his bag and make him strip down to his tighty whities. That plan worked exactly once before he started storing stuff in his underwear.

One year I'd procured three notebooks from the "to be retired" pile at work and gave one to each kid. They were dog-slow, but you could still play solitaire on them. One time, after he'd been living in TX, he came to my house to help me move. C's notebook had bit the dust... or so we thought. Then, CR caught him with 2 notebooks. That little skunk had taken a bunch of spare parts while he was "packing" and took them back to TX. Then, he used them to fix C's notebook, which he kept for himself. Of course I was busting with pride that he was able to fix the computer all by himself. OTOH, I was oh-so-disappointed. The parts were just junk to me. But of course I had to lecture him for taking them.

Which brings us up to current times.

In my dresser I have a butter dish full of state quarters. I gave each of the big kids a set, and so I've been trying to get a set together for the little guy. One day I went to put something in the little drawer where the butter dish is and the dish was empty. But sometimes I borrow from it, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd done that.

Last Friday, my mother was here. She'd handed me something and I went to put it in that drawer. And the butter dish was empty. This time I knew I hadn't borrowed from it.

I quietly brought E into my room and showed him the empty dish. He started to deny he'd taken them and I said, "Bullshit! You are the only one here during the day. I know you're doing it, now stop it!" He said he was sorry and we left the room. After mom left that weekend I forgot to have a talk with him about it.

I have been very busy at work and so it's taken me several days to get this typed up. But this morning I checked the dish. I'm not 100% sure, but I think there's less quarters in it. I counted them so I will know for sure next time.

I know some of you are thinking, "So move the dish already!" And there was a time when I might have said the same thing. But all his life, that's what has happened. He took something, so they put a lock on the door so he couldn't do that any more. He took something else; another lock. In life there will not always be a lock... well, there will be on his cell door. But he's got to learn to resist the temptation, not depend on someone to lock up those things he's not supposed to take.

The thing is, I'm not sure what to do to punish him. There's got to be some sort of consequence or he won't get it. Normally, I'd assign dishes, or clean the toilets... some sort of unpleasant chore. But he's already doing that stuff on his own.

So, to any parents in the crowd: What sort of inventive punishments have you instituted?

The Lawn, cont'd

The next night I made a point of swinging my headlights wide as I pulled into the driveway so that I could see the state of the grass. Why I did that I'm not sure, because I talked to E on the phone during the day and he was in the middle of mowing. I blinked several times to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, but each time I opened them I saw the same thing: the grass STILL wasn't mowed! Not only that, but the lawn mower was still sitting out in the front yard.

From my car to the front door is mayb 10 steps, but each step only infuriated me more. I threw open the front door and E just happened to be standing right in front of me. "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME???" I nearly yelled. His facial expression might have been funny if I wasn't so ticked; it was very deer-in-the-headlights. "I stubbed my toe." he meekly said.

OMG! ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME??!?!

"Well, I don't care if you have to hop on one foot. Figure out a way to get the mower back to the shed." He just stood there. "Now!"

I just stood in the living room, seething, for a few seconds. The "talk" I'd prepared was trashed now because I really thought the lawn was going to be mowed. Yeah, color me naive.

He came back in and went back to his bedroom. I kept counting to 10 as I put my lunch stuff away and got something to drink. (Just water, tho on this particular night, alcohol might have been a better choice.)

Me	Ok, come in here. We've gotta talk.
E	[tail between his legs still] [Ed: good. He'd better have his tail between his legs or I'll snip the damn thing off.]
Me	[counting to 10 one last time as I take a swig of water]... Did I not make it VERY clear when you moved here that the lawn was your responsibility?
E	You made that clear.
Me	Ok. So here's what's going to happen: next time I say the lawn needs to be mowed, you're going to say. 'Ok, I'll mow it on Tuesday' or whatever day. And you better mow it on that day. Got it?
E	Yes.
Me	And for future reference, mow the front yard first. Nobody sees the back yard, so mow the front yard first.
E	Ok.
Me	Ok, because I don't want to do this again. You are making me act like your mother and I'm not your mother. We are two adults [Ed: this tactic has worked in the past, the whole "adult" thing], so I'd like for us to handle this as two adults.
E	Ok

I looked at the toe: bruised, but not broken.

Later, we were both in the kitchen and he made some comment about the dishwasher needing to be loaded and I just looked at him. He's home all day. Granted, he does help out, and do his own laundry, etc. But he's got a lot more time available to him to do that kind of stuff. So he responded, "I guess I need to spend some time in the kitchen tomorrow." Before he had time to blink I replied, "Let me be very clear: if I come home tomorrow and the lawn isn't mowed, do not think you're going to get out of the situation by saying, 'But I cleaned the kitchen' because I won't care. Are we clear?" Yes. "And unless there's blood or a hospital involved, there is no injury that's an acceptable excuse. Got it?"

At that point, he dropped to his knees and did the most dramatic death scene as he crawled, then fell, then tried to drag himself back to his bedroom. "It's not funny yet," I hollered back to him.

Guess what happened the next day? IT RAINED!! So the lawn STILL didn't get mowed!

The Lawn Is Going To Be the Death of Me

On Tuesday morning E and I went to the DMV to get a temporary permit for the Civic because the 30-day tag had expired. On the way home, I said, "You need to mow the lawn today." He said, "I know." So I left it at that.

On Wednesday morning we had to drive to near my work to get the car inspected. As we walked out the door I saw that the lawn was not mowed. (Can't tell when I get home after dark. We live out in the sticks, ya know.) I said, "E, I swear to God you are not going to get another dime for gas if you don't get the yard mowed!" He said, "But I trimmed..." And I shot back, "I didn't ask you to trim. I asked you to mow." And then he completely shocked me by doing something I haven't seen from him in a very long time... contrition. "I'm sorry." he said as he hung his head. So I just decided to shut up because I wasn't going to get a better answer than that.

Today, I walked out the door and the lawn still wasn't mowed. I walked back in & marched back to E's bedroom. He locks his door at night, which irks me, so I have to knock. Finally a sleepy, "Whaaat?" Trying not to yell, in the sweetest tone I can muster "Let me in, please." I hear him stumbling toward the door. "I need the key to the Civic." Blah, blah, blah, just woke up, blah, blah, can't find my keys, etc. I just stood there. "I need it now, please."

He must have known what was coming, because as he's taking the key off his ring he's saying how he'd planned on turning in those applications today. I didn't respond. When he gave me the key, I just put it in my pocket and said, "You'll get this back after you mow." And I started walking out of the room. "I planned to do that today." he yelled after me. "I asked you to do it yesterday." I yelled back.

I'm already worn out plotting "the talk" that has to happen tonight.

And the Drama Rolls On

C called last night to chit chat... school had started, update on color guard... basic stuff.

When the conversation rolled around to S, she said, "She's not doing very good."

Me	Really? How so?
C	Well, the other day, all she did was cry in her room all day.
Me	Oooo. You're right. Not good.
C	Then, last night, she came out of her bedroom saying mom needed to take her to the hospital because she was going to hurt herself if she didn't.
Me	Yikes.
C	I know. DS has blocked all of our numbers, but I have some things I'd like to say to him.
Me	Like what?
C	Well, for one thing, he keeps calling her. One minute he'll say he's in love with her. Then, he'll call later and say that he didn't mean it.
Me	Asshole.
C	Exactly.

I called CR to ask her about the incident.

Me	So, I hear S was suicidal.
CR	Not exactly.
Me	Really? Well, C told me she was threatening to hurt herself if you didn't take her to the hospital.
CR	Yeah.
Me	Well, that is the definition of being suicidal.
CR	Right, but there's more to it than that. Because I told her that the hospital wasn't going to take her memories away. At best they were just going to take her phone away, and if that's all she wanted I could do that. She didn't feel the need to go to the hospital after that.*

*Note: the preceding conversation may have been slightly embellished to give it a good punchline, but the gist was still the same.

Week of Frustrations, Redux

On Monday my mother called me with a bug up her butt:

Mom	Do you know what E is planning when you go to TX?
Me	I guess not.
Mom	He thinks he's going to stay down there and work on some job with Billy Bob
Me	[sigh] We talked about this on Friday and I had hoped we put it to bed, but obviously not.
Mom	So are you going to talk to him?
Me	Of course.
Mom	You should also call CR and tell her to talk to Billy Bob
Me	[defeated] Ok.

Who am I? The friggin' UN???

I didn't really see the point in calling CR, but I did. Long story short: neither she or Big D knew anything about said job. Nor would they talk to Billy Bob because he just does his own thing and there's no sense trying to talk to him. (I'm paraphrasing, of course, but that was the gist.)

E was fixing something to eat when I got home. (Another big step. At the beginning of the summer he would wait for me to get home and then let me heat up the leftovers. I'm like, "Dude, you can work a microwave as well as I can...")

I just acted like we were picking up the conversation from Friday

Me	Did you talk to Billy Bob today?
E	Yes.
Me	Did you find out any new information?
E	No, not really.
Me	Something else I thought of is how are you going to get your medication while you're down there?
E	I thought about that too.
Me	[trying not to look shocked]
E	I don't think it matters, though, because they hired someone for the job.
Me	[biting my tongue hard so I don't make a sarcastic comment about no "new" information]... So, they're not going to hire any one?
E	No, I guess not.
Me	[sigh of relief]

Guess Who Changed Her Mind Again?

E was still in bed when I woke up on Sunday, so I decided to watch the movie that we rented that I knew he didn't care anything about. I was listening to the commentary on the extras when I fell asleep. Next thing I know E is waking me up. After grumbling and grousing about, I decided that I should go reserve the hotel and van to go pick up S. Their little town in TX has morphed into a "resort" town. And I've discovered that you can't wait til the day before (like I used to when they fist moved down there) to make a reservation. Plus, it seems like the price goes up $20 every time I go down there. Pretty soon I won't be able to afford to go down there at all.

Sunday nights I reserve to watch "my shows." C almost always calls me during this time and I tend to get agitated with her. There were no calls on this night, but as I was getting ready for bed I happened to glance at my phone and see the following text messages from CR:

S didn't want to disturb your shows but b4 too much planning happened S decided today not to move b4 the baby comes

OMG, I was furious! I texted CR back:

Great. I've already reserved a room & van. Now that u live in a "resort" town I can't wait til the last minute. I am sick & fucking tired of this shit.

Yes, S's indecision is driving me bonkers. I'm also sure that CR has been laying the guilt on *thick* (first grandchild, etc.) But it's hard to express those nuances in 160 characters. CR responded:

Can't help it she just decided today. She promises she won't change her mind tomorrow is all I can say. Can't you just cancel the other stuff?

ARGH! They SO don't get it! In my fury I also texted S:

Its time for you to act like a grown up & not have ur mommy deliver ur messages. If you've got something to say to me, YOU say it.

I was still angry when I woke up on Monday. I know I've been apprehensive about what would happen to E once S arrived, but when I examine my feelings now, I guess I figured it would all work out.

E & I decided Monday night to go ahead and go to TX. No, I really don't have the money, but I think E needs to see his brother (& vice versa). I suppose I need to talk to S too. But I'm half way between still-very-angry and ready-to-bawl-my-eyes-out, so I haven't a clue what I would say.

I know what you're thinking: Seriously? You didn't see this coming? She's changed her mind... how many times???

You're right, of course. I did see this coming. But it wasn't til I talked to my mother this morning that I figured out why I was so upset.

She was telling me how much better S was doing: actually helping out a little (not a lot, just a little), grieving over the lost relationship with DS (no, they are not back together), and she and CR were finally getting along better.

Me	That's all well and good, but she's got to live in KS 6 months before she can get "in state" tuition. Anything before that is "out of state" and 4x as much.
Mom	Ok. What do you want me to do? I think that's where she needs to be now.
Me	Maybe its true, maybe not. [Ed: definitely not] I'm talking about her future here.
Mom	Can't you just butt out?
Me	[nearly running off the road; yes, I was driving and talking, but I had a headset on!] No, I will not butt out! I am the only one who's thinking about how she's going to care for this baby! You and CR are being very short-sided in how you're approaching this situation. Since you won't think about the future, apparently I have to!
Mom	Aren't you sweet?
Me	[seething]

I swear to God I almost hung up on her for calling me sweet. You want to know what's really going on here? You've read this far, so I guess so. My mother is SO afraid that CR will get depressed over this situation and she'll try to kill herself again. There. I said it. I named the big pink elephant in the middle of the room. And so she's totally willing to sacrifice S & baby to make sure CR stays happy.

Later in the conversation she told me that S is not going to college & CR doesn't really care. Again, not a surprise. I knew it, but hearing the words made me realize why I'm so upset: I was desperately holding on to the dream that S was going to get out of the trailer park trash world that she'd grown up in... and now she's just bringing another generation into it.

I know you hear me harping on college like it's the be-all, end-all solution. I know its not. I also know that a diploma is not a guarantee. I just want to expose to her to other people, other life styles, other ways of thinking. I don't even care if she graduates. I just want her out of that place.

But that's not going to happen. I know it, but I just can't seem to come to grips with it.