2 steps forward, 1 step back

When E was little he had a terrible time with taking things that weren't his. On his first day of kindergarten CR told the teacher. Rather condescendingly, the teacher told her not to worry about it; many kids have this problem.

On day 2 of kindergarten, CR brought back all the things that E had taken from the teacher's desk the day before. The teacher laughed it off. And then she gave CR a pamphlet on the topic.

On the third day, CR again brought back all the things that E had taken and the teacher, simply amazed, said, "Oh, he's good."

He would quit for a while and all of us adults would think, "Whew! Thank goodness THAT phase is over!" Then he'd start again and catch us all by surprise. At one point, I think he was about 10, I would strip search him at the door. After he'd spent the weekend with me, I'd let him pack all his stuff up and then we'd stop at the door. I'd empty his bag and make him strip down to his tighty whities. That plan worked exactly once before he started storing stuff in his underwear.

One year I'd procured three notebooks from the "to be retired" pile at work and gave one to each kid. They were dog-slow, but you could still play solitaire on them. One time, after he'd been living in TX, he came to my house to help me move. C's notebook had bit the dust... or so we thought. Then, CR caught him with 2 notebooks. That little skunk had taken a bunch of spare parts while he was "packing" and took them back to TX. Then, he used them to fix C's notebook, which he kept for himself. Of course I was busting with pride that he was able to fix the computer all by himself. OTOH, I was oh-so-disappointed. The parts were just junk to me. But of course I had to lecture him for taking them.

Which brings us up to current times.

In my dresser I have a butter dish full of state quarters. I gave each of the big kids a set, and so I've been trying to get a set together for the little guy. One day I went to put something in the little drawer where the butter dish is and the dish was empty. But sometimes I borrow from it, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd done that.

Last Friday, my mother was here. She'd handed me something and I went to put it in that drawer. And the butter dish was empty. This time I knew I hadn't borrowed from it.

I quietly brought E into my room and showed him the empty dish. He started to deny he'd taken them and I said, "Bullshit! You are the only one here during the day. I know you're doing it, now stop it!" He said he was sorry and we left the room. After mom left that weekend I forgot to have a talk with him about it.

I have been very busy at work and so it's taken me several days to get this typed up. But this morning I checked the dish. I'm not 100% sure, but I think there's less quarters in it. I counted them so I will know for sure next time.

I know some of you are thinking, "So move the dish already!" And there was a time when I might have said the same thing. But all his life, that's what has happened. He took something, so they put a lock on the door so he couldn't do that any more. He took something else; another lock. In life there will not always be a lock... well, there will be on his cell door. But he's got to learn to resist the temptation, not depend on someone to lock up those things he's not supposed to take.

The thing is, I'm not sure what to do to punish him. There's got to be some sort of consequence or he won't get it. Normally, I'd assign dishes, or clean the toilets... some sort of unpleasant chore. But he's already doing that stuff on his own.

So, to any parents in the crowd: What sort of inventive punishments have you instituted?

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General Update

I hope everyone and their property fared well during the recent torrential rains. While I personally didn't have any property issues, I apparently missed the memo that some of the towns between my house and work were built on a flood plain. Getting home was a challenge last Friday night. Here's some pics of the flooding nearby:

http://www.kansas.com/static/slides/091208flooding/
http://www.kansas.com/static/slides/091208readerspics/

My apologies for the wait between updates, but there really hasn't been a lot going on. E is doing really well. My mother called to talk to him the other day and she said she had a really nice discussion with him. He was polite and funny and I could tell by her tone that she was pleasantly surprised.

E actually called CR on her birthday. While I did remind him, I sort of expected him to send her a text message. I talked to her later in the day and I could tell she was really surprised he called too. He talked to her for a few minutes and then he abruptly ended the conversation with, "Well, I've got things to do so I've gotta go." In the old days he would have just hung up on her. So he's still making progress.

He's also been taking the responsibility to re-schedule his counselor appointments. Its only happened a couple of times, but that's still a big step forward.

This week, he has an appointment to see if he qualifies for "vocational rehabilitation". I'm not 100% sure what that is, but everyone I've talked to about him says it will be good for him, so we're going. But he also has an appointment with his med dr. that same afternoon. I told him I can't take off work for 2 appointments in one day so he can either reschedule the med dr. or he can go by himself. He said he'd go by himself.

Actually the new cocktail of drugs has been working really well for him. He doesn't have huge mood swings. He doesn't get angry and fly off the handle. He jokes around and laughs a lot.

Now if only I could find a way to pay for his meds, life would be great!

The Lawn, cont'd

The next night I made a point of swinging my headlights wide as I pulled into the driveway so that I could see the state of the grass. Why I did that I'm not sure, because I talked to E on the phone during the day and he was in the middle of mowing. I blinked several times to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, but each time I opened them I saw the same thing: the grass STILL wasn't mowed! Not only that, but the lawn mower was still sitting out in the front yard.

From my car to the front door is mayb 10 steps, but each step only infuriated me more. I threw open the front door and E just happened to be standing right in front of me. "DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME???" I nearly yelled. His facial expression might have been funny if I wasn't so ticked; it was very deer-in-the-headlights. "I stubbed my toe." he meekly said.

OMG! ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME??!?!

"Well, I don't care if you have to hop on one foot. Figure out a way to get the mower back to the shed." He just stood there. "Now!"

I just stood in the living room, seething, for a few seconds. The "talk" I'd prepared was trashed now because I really thought the lawn was going to be mowed. Yeah, color me naive.

He came back in and went back to his bedroom. I kept counting to 10 as I put my lunch stuff away and got something to drink. (Just water, tho on this particular night, alcohol might have been a better choice.)

Me	Ok, come in here. We've gotta talk.
E	[tail between his legs still] [Ed: good. He'd better have his tail between his legs or I'll snip the damn thing off.]
Me	[counting to 10 one last time as I take a swig of water]... Did I not make it VERY clear when you moved here that the lawn was your responsibility?
E	You made that clear.
Me	Ok. So here's what's going to happen: next time I say the lawn needs to be mowed, you're going to say. 'Ok, I'll mow it on Tuesday' or whatever day. And you better mow it on that day. Got it?
E	Yes.
Me	And for future reference, mow the front yard first. Nobody sees the back yard, so mow the front yard first.
E	Ok.
Me	Ok, because I don't want to do this again. You are making me act like your mother and I'm not your mother. We are two adults [Ed: this tactic has worked in the past, the whole "adult" thing], so I'd like for us to handle this as two adults.
E	Ok

I looked at the toe: bruised, but not broken.

Later, we were both in the kitchen and he made some comment about the dishwasher needing to be loaded and I just looked at him. He's home all day. Granted, he does help out, and do his own laundry, etc. But he's got a lot more time available to him to do that kind of stuff. So he responded, "I guess I need to spend some time in the kitchen tomorrow." Before he had time to blink I replied, "Let me be very clear: if I come home tomorrow and the lawn isn't mowed, do not think you're going to get out of the situation by saying, 'But I cleaned the kitchen' because I won't care. Are we clear?" Yes. "And unless there's blood or a hospital involved, there is no injury that's an acceptable excuse. Got it?"

At that point, he dropped to his knees and did the most dramatic death scene as he crawled, then fell, then tried to drag himself back to his bedroom. "It's not funny yet," I hollered back to him.

Guess what happened the next day? IT RAINED!! So the lawn STILL didn't get mowed!

The Lawn Is Going To Be the Death of Me

On Tuesday morning E and I went to the DMV to get a temporary permit for the Civic because the 30-day tag had expired. On the way home, I said, "You need to mow the lawn today." He said, "I know." So I left it at that.

On Wednesday morning we had to drive to near my work to get the car inspected. As we walked out the door I saw that the lawn was not mowed. (Can't tell when I get home after dark. We live out in the sticks, ya know.) I said, "E, I swear to God you are not going to get another dime for gas if you don't get the yard mowed!" He said, "But I trimmed..." And I shot back, "I didn't ask you to trim. I asked you to mow." And then he completely shocked me by doing something I haven't seen from him in a very long time... contrition. "I'm sorry." he said as he hung his head. So I just decided to shut up because I wasn't going to get a better answer than that.

Today, I walked out the door and the lawn still wasn't mowed. I walked back in & marched back to E's bedroom. He locks his door at night, which irks me, so I have to knock. Finally a sleepy, "Whaaat?" Trying not to yell, in the sweetest tone I can muster "Let me in, please." I hear him stumbling toward the door. "I need the key to the Civic." Blah, blah, blah, just woke up, blah, blah, can't find my keys, etc. I just stood there. "I need it now, please."

He must have known what was coming, because as he's taking the key off his ring he's saying how he'd planned on turning in those applications today. I didn't respond. When he gave me the key, I just put it in my pocket and said, "You'll get this back after you mow." And I started walking out of the room. "I planned to do that today." he yelled after me. "I asked you to do it yesterday." I yelled back.

I'm already worn out plotting "the talk" that has to happen tonight.

Labor Day Weekend

E and I drove to TX for Labor Day weekend. (That bum didn't drive 1 inch on the way down!) It was a quick weekend for a couple of reasons: 1) I didn't want to pay for an extra night's hotel. 2) I wanted a little time to rest before I had to go back to work.

I probably wouldn't have gone at all since I didn't have to go to pick up S, but I knew E was a little homesick & wanted to see his friends. Also, I felt like E & D needed to bond a bit. Of course I wanted to see the girls too. But I just didn't know what I wanted to say to S. As it turned out, I didn't say anything. I pulled that famous trick of completely ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room; no sarcastic comments or anything. (I know! I can't believe it either!)

In no particular order, here's some pics from the trip.

On Saturday, I was going to take the crew out to lunch, but since I didn't rent the van, we had to take two cars. Or, rather, my car & Big D's truck. Only, CR accidentally locked the keys in the truck. Big D won't "allow" any duplicate keys to be made, so she couldn't go with us because he had to break into his own truck. (If it were me, I'd make the key anyway.)

This worked out well for me because it was just me & the kids. Here they are, horsing around.

Click on the picture to see the big version.

C showed me her color guard routine

The little guy entertained himself at breakfast the next day while we waited on our food.

Balance... the key to life
Look what I can do!	Pacman

And finally... the pic you've been waiting for... (click the pic to see the large version)

S will not allow anyone to touch her stomach. She guards it constantly, and if you try she blocks you with a firm, "NO!" Also, she's not taking her pre-natals on a regular basis. When I got there on Saturday, she had been sleeping for 2 days. Yes, you read that right: TWO DAYS!!! On Sunday, we were all sitting on the porch and I said, "Have you taken your vitamins today?" She says, "I don't know." OMG! Are you kidding me? I tried the stern look, "Well, I *do* know because I've been with you all day... and you haven't. So go take them." I get all this whiny flak in return about them tasting bad, too big, hard to swallow ... whatever. I got in her face, "Look, you are having a baby. That means its time for you to be the grown-up and take care of you and your baby. Now get off your lazy butt and go in there and take them!"

C signed up for some mailing list where they email her the baby's development. So, she'll update S, "oh, and this week, your baby has fingernails."

I have such mixed feelings about her living there, but ultimately it is her choice. So I am trying to stay focused on E. I know we are making progress, albeit very slowly. He does manage to take up my every waking minute, so having her and the baby here would be a distraction at the very least.

In related news, E lasted almost 24 hours with his brother before he really lost patience. Granted, the little guy is a hellion. We were on the porch, because I can't go inside because there's, like, 12 cats... ok, not really, but close. The stray that kept following them in the house at the old place, and that they eventually started feeding, had a litter. They kept all the kittens! Now, the stray, henceforth known as "slut" is pregnant again.



But I digress... We were all on the porch, which, BTW, is covered in cat shit. Guess why? And there was a big puddle that probably had cat feces floating in it and D kept riding his bike, which still has the training wheels on it, through the puddle. So not just one tire sprayed the cat-poopy water, but three. He rode to the end of the porch, turned around and road through the puddle again. On the 2nd pass, I asked him to stop. On the third pass, the girls asked him to stop. Yes, if you're wondering, CR was standing there the whole time. On the forth pass, she grabbed his shoulders and said, "Stop or I'll take the bike away." He said, "No!" and merrily rode through the puddle again. She said, "D! Take the bike off the porch! I mean it!" Even I knew she didn't mean it. So did he. He made one pass around the driveway and guess where he was again.

In the mean time, E is trying to go through the boxes in the garage to find some of his stuff. They have opened every one of his boxes because they are convinced E took some of their stuff. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. He has done stuff like that in the past, so its feasible. He's frustrated... it's hot, his sense of order is upset, CR keeps trying to say stuff to him, the little guy is running around like a demon child... his mostly-calm facade was crumbling. We left shortly after I realized he wasn't going to last much longer.

The only comment CR made about E was that she noticed he was kind of "shaky" the day before and she attributed this to the new meds he's on. I keep forgetting to ask him about it, but I think he's been better on the new meds. And the shaking could have been because he was nervous about being around her... or maybe something besides his meds. (There's another appointment for that next week.) She didn't say it outloud, but her tone connoted that she didn't care for how I was managing his meds. Ptttthhhhh.

It took him a couple of hours on the road back before he really calmed down. But he did. So that's good. And he brought "his" trimmer back with him, so maybe the lawn will get mowed.