Disturbing conversation

A week or so ago, E and I were coming home from the grocery store and we were just chatting. Its taken me this long to process this conversation so that I could write it out here. He referred to himself as a "suicidal maniac." I glanced over at him and decided he was making a joke. So I replied, "Oh, you're not suicidal," thinking I was also making a joke. He paused, I guess deciding if he was going to be serious or not, and replied, "I think about it every day."

I have to say that my first instinct was, and continues to be, to put my hands over my ears and sing at the top of my lungs, "LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!"

Of course I didn't do that. I put my serious hat on and tried my best to detatch myself so that I could ask reasonable, and prudent, questions. "Everyday?" "Do you have a plan?" "Do you see yourself following through?"

Bottom line: no specific plan, unless he could get his hands on a gun. Good thing I don't believe in them.

Don't get me wrong: I've always taken his meds seriously. Its just overwhelming reconciling the [mostly] happy-go-lucky kid with this disturbing conversation.

Driving to KC

I have been making E drive everywhere we go just to give him more experience behind the wheel. So E and I are on our way to KC for a funeral. He stays in the lanes much better than the first time I took him driving, so it wasn't quite the white-knuckle experience it once was. He actually did a pretty good job, but he has a tendency to drive way below the speed limit. Which not only pisses the other drivers off, but it makes the trip significantly longer than it should be. We got kind of a late start, so I made him use the cruise control. To keep me from watching the road, I finally made some progress on that letter for DS.

So we're about 1/2 an hour from the hotel and the sky opens up a can of whoop-ass on us. Funny how you don't realize how bad your windshield wipers are until you actually have to depend on them to see. So I couldn't really see and E was hunched over the steering wheel like an old lady. I offerred to take over. He declined, but he kept driving slower and slower. Finally I forced him to pull off to the side so we could switch. Of course the rain quit almost immediately after I took over.

So we get checked into the hotel, and we're driving through the parking lot looking for a place to park when we discover this car.



Apparently semi-trucks & small hotel parking lots don't mix.

Up in the room, I decide to iron our clothes tonight so we're not rushed tomorrow. I brought 2 pairs of slacks because I couldn't decide, and I'd planned to lay them out and do eeny-meeny-miny-moe, except I forgot the shirts! E could not stop laughing at that one. I'd asked him at least twice on the trip if he remembered the new clothes that we'd bought so he wouldn't be wearing holy jeans, and here I forgot my shirts. Hi-larious.

As I write this, E has gone to sleep in the next bed. Last night was a big thunderstorm... hail, lightening and the works. Ever since he was a little boy he's never been able to sleep during storms, and last night was no different. And after the drive tonight, he was one tuckered out boy. Say it with me now, "Awwwwwwww."

A bunch of updates

Lots to catch up on today, crimestoppers.

1. S
I guess S and DS made up, at least sort of. They're at least talking anyway. I don't know if he's given her the ring back or not. I did call him and ask if he still intended to come to KS to go to college and he said, "Yeah!" But the underlying tone was "Are you crazy? Of course I'm going to KS for college!" What if he thinks he can still live with me even if he & S are broken up? Oh dear lord... like I don't have enough drama! But I've still got to write that stupid letter.

And in semi-related news, S finally had her sonagram today. She's approximately 13 weeks along. Due date is Dec. 29.

2. C
D managed to pull in his family marker and get a free flight for C ... AND HER DOG. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but CR decided that C must care for ber dog 24x7. Now, I understand a parent's need to teach a kid responsibility. But honestly, forcing the kid to take the dog on the road while she visits family? When said family is ALERGIC??? Seriously, is that REALLY necessary? Its not like there's not 8 gillion animals at that house anyway. Would it really be that difficult to fill another food bowl? So after yours truly goes and buys a pet carrier, she's up, up, and away to TX.

3. E
J eventually finished E's truck and my mother waited a day to bring to bring C back to my place. (Why it was necessary to come all the way back to my place, I'm not sure. Afterall, mom has a airport in her city... but whatever.) So E was able to follow her. But get this: about half way through the trip, ALL that work that J did to E's truck, BROKE! The engine started over heating and I don't know what else. E was very upset about it. But the thing is, I just can't stop thinking that maybe J deliberately sabotaged E's truck. Maybe he thought it would break sooner and he'd be able to keep E at his house longer...? I don't know. I could be wrong, of course. (But I don't think I am.)

So, yesterday and today I started trying to find E a school to go to. He wants to be an auto tech, like his dad, of course. So I contacted the "tech" college. Like the first community college I contacted, this is a year long program. But unlike the CC, this one costs (wait for it)... over $9,000!!! Holy F*CK! This is not an ivy league school we're talking about here. Course, getting the numbers out of them was a trick. You'd think they were protecting national secrets or something. The lady kept saying, "M'am, I cannot give you actual numbers unless your nephew is enrolled in classes." And I kept saying, "M'am, I am not enrolling him until I know how much it's going to cost." But now that I know the number, I see why they wanted to keep it a secret. I have surgery scheduled for tomorrow to put my eyeballs back in their sockets.

Legal kidnapping

Today I got a text message from E saying that he would not make it back today because his truck wasn't finished. I friggin' knew it. E called me on Friday to say that he and his dad were working on his brakes and various other things. (It's a 1995, suffice to say there's LOTS of things that can be fixed on it.) I could tell that E was excited. He tried to pretend to be all put out, but I could tell that he was thrilled to finally be spending some time with his dad.

I called my mom to tell her about the conversation and as I finished I added, “I could hear J in the background yelling, 'It WILL be fixed.' Just watch,” I told her, “he will make sure that the truck is not done in time for E to go back this weekend.” Can I call 'em or what?

Call me crazy, but I just don't trust the guy ever since he tried to kidnap E & S about ... I think it was about 4 years ago. Oh, he wasn't on the run or anything. It was a legal kidnapping. It was the first summer after the kids had moved to TX. He'd had the kids for a month, as spelled out in the divorce papers, but he was a day or two late bringing them back. When CR called him he had some excuse about his work schedule.

On a whim, she decided to drive back to KS to pick up the kids and see our mother. When she showed up at J's house, he told her she can't be there and promptly called the police. When the police showed up, he showed them the papers that said he had an emergency custody hearing scheduled for 2 days later and that he had full custody until then. If she hadn't shown up at his doorstep, she'd never had known about the hearing and likely would have lost custody.

I know what you're thinking: would that have been such a bad thing? I've had lots of time to mull that question over, and, yes, I think it woud have. For one thing, he would have stopped E's medication. Part of his meds help him with impulse control. Who knows what kind of trouble E would be in by now w/o that assistance. Also, his meds help him focus in school. Even though his education level is not what it should be, I doubt he would have been able to graduate w/o his meds. It's likely he would have been expelled because of his behaviour issues. Plus, the world's greatest aunt wouldn't be in his life.

So, CR was able to obtain a lawyer in time for the emergency hearing. In addition to arguing abuse, J's lawyer argued that the “state of KS” never gave up custody so CR had to bring them back. The whole abuse claim was predicated on a story that E had told, embellished to make him look more like the victim. J never bothered to find out the real story, he just took E's version for gospel truth.

All summer this went on, hearing after hearing. Meanwhile, J & J's wife, SY, did everything they could to keep the kids from having any contact with anyone from my side of the family. For example, they would erase messages left on the answering machine. Then they tried to tell the kids that nobody had called. Like if they said it enough eventually it would be true. That kind of stuff may have worked when they were 5, but both the kids were teenagers at this point, they knew how to check the caller-id. They liked to put J on a pedastal because, I believe, he wasn't the custodial parent. I imagine this is true in many divorced homes. So they had to deal with the fact that the guy they put up on this pedastal was lying to them.

Two days before school was to start in TX, E finally got up the guts to tell J that the story that started the whole mess wasn't true.

When E had turned 13 I got him a cell phone for his birthday. I took a lot of flak from the rest of the family for doing that. “He's not responsible enough,” they told me. My feeling was that if you don't give him anything to be responsible FOR, he's never going to learn. Well, thank God I did that.

I was in the process of moving to the po-dunk town I now live in that summer. So I made many trips back & forth, trying to clear out the house I'd owned. On this particular day, I was heading back to po-dunkville, when I received a call from E on the cell phone I'd given him (because they're not allowed to use the phone in J's house). There was a lot of commotion going on in the background. I later found out that was J throwing a fit. E said that J said they could leave, and could I come pick them up. I got off at the next exit and headed towards J's place.

I frantically called CR. Oddly, she was so calm, like, “well if it works out today, great, and if we have to wait til the next hearing, that's fine too.” School in KS was also scheduled to start that same week, if I remember right. And trying to get through CR's thick skull that if the kids started school in KS, she lost a significant advantage was like trying to drill through steel with a wet noodle.

See, if J had decided to file for a change of custody the summer before, BEFORE the kids had started school in TX, and before they had new doctors, and dentists, and new friends, I think he would have won, hands down. I was so mad at CR at that time, I would have supported him in that fight too. But he waited a year. In that time, the kids were well established in TX. So he had an uphill battle if he couldn't prove abuse.

But since the litigation had started, I couldn't just pick up the kids. Lawyers had to be consulted. J had to write a letter, worded a specific way, and sign it in front of me. Then, I had to call my mom, because my car was full of my shit from the house, so I had to load my shit into mom's car (because I wasn't driving back to my house and taking the chance that J would change his mind) so that I would have room for the kids and their stuff.

When I pulled in the driveway, E started bringing his stuff out, but I could't let him put it in my car until the letter was taken care of. J had calmed down by the time that I got there, so I didn't see any of the “fit” first-hand that the kids told me about.

We got the kids' stuff loaded without incident. I got to spend about 18 hrs with them, then we drove halfway to TX and they started school the next day. After that, everything fell into place. The KS judge ruled that KS officially gave up custody to TX. The TX judge had it's own hearing on when J got custody, which J blew off. Yep, you read that right. He just didn't show up. That really pissed off the TX judge. He held J in contempt of court and told him that if he ever missed another hearing he'd throw him in jail. (J then used this to try to manipulate the kids by telling them that their mother was going to have him thrown in jail. Nice, huh?)

So for all the drama J ended up with a worse situation than what he started. For starters, CR was trying to be fair with all the driving and meet him halfway at each scheduled visit. After J missed court, the judge thought differently. So J was required to do all the driving. He also gave J very rigid dates and times that he had to notify CR of before he could see the kids. So if he didn't notify CR by a certain date/time when he was going to pick the kids up and when he was going to return them, he didn't get the kids at all. Also, there was a new section written about giving mom or I time to see the kids whenever they were in KS for a scheduled visit with him. That, plus all the thousands of dollars in lawyer and court fees... (Mom paid for CR's lawyer, if your were wondering, because I was unemployed at the time.)

So back to E and his truck and J's antics: J drove the truck to work today to get all the work done on it. Did it all NEED to be done? I have no idea. I don't know nuthin' 'bout fixin' no trucks. In the mean time I'll have a knot in my stomach until E is safe at “home.”

In other completely unrelated, but ever-so-dramatic news... S had a HUGE fight with her boyfriend, and baby-daddy, DS. S has been having fits about having to watch the little guy ever since C left town. (Since normally C gets that job.) Gotta hand it to her, she's got lazy down to an art. So, in Walmart's parking lot no less, CR, DS, and S are in a huge screaming match. (Because where else would you hold such an event? Not Home Depot's parking lot. They've got too much class...) And get this, DS took CR's side! In spite of his screwed up home life, he did manage to get some manners of out it. His feeling is that S should be doing something to contribute, because CR has put a roof over her head. S, who doesn't feel like she needs to do anything besides be in love, complains at every turn. Last I heard, he took his ring back. S was so mad at him she threw her phone and smashed it to bits. Drama-rama!

And now I'm going to go put some color on my hair because I'm tired of looking at all the gray.

You can call me, "Tree"

When C was younger, she went through a phase where she would shout, “Potato!” in much the same manner as one might use the word, “dude!” It was her go-to word, used to express a variety of emotions. If she was baffled, “Potato!”; surprised, “Potato!”; amused, “Potato!” Being an aquarius, she mixed it up a bit. Sometimes she said it qietly, sometimes she said it emhatically, sometimes she stomped her feet as she said it, and sometimes she wrang her hands maniacally and used her most “evil” voice. I don't know why that popped into my head this evening, I was just driving home and suddenly, “Potato!”

I talked to CR today. She was furious with E. Shortly before the move started, she had bought a can of green paint to be used to paint the little guy's room at the new place. Before he left, E, helped himself to the paint and painted his door and door frame, at the old place of course. (He must have decided that the door was too much green because he helped himself to more paint, also purchased for the new place, to re-paint the door.) And then I was shocked, shocked I tell ya, to hear that he didn't put the paint back where he found it. Today the little guy got into it. He painted his body, hair, clothes, and the [borrowed] trailer all green.

Side note, speaking of the move: they were supposed to be out of the old place on June 3. But they still have stuff at the old place! You do the math. Of course all the utilities are turned off over there, so it's hotter than shit (well, it's TX, so of course it's hotter than shit).

As they were de-greening him, he informed her that there were 2 little d's: a good one and a bad one, and the good one's name was, “tree.”

Also talked to E today. He, apparently, has had enough of his paternal side of the family and is coming home this coming weekend. Potato!

Not sure of C's plans yet. She still wants to go home early. [Big] D has a cousin that works for some airline. He and CR think they'll be able to finagle a free ticket for C to fly back to TX.

Do you know who D is? Do you remember that seen in “Look Who's Talking” where John Travolta was old and fat, and serving the kids a can of beans that he dug out of the trash can? Kirstie Alley was flashing forward to what life with him might be like. That's D, to a “T”.

You may have heard me speak of the copier that used to live on the front porch. He was at a job site one day and the building he was working on was throwing it out. So he brought it home. Because that's what we'd all do, right? It stayed in their living room for a looong time until it was finally banished to the front porch. (Ultimately, it was moved to the back patio. Sad because it brought such sophistication and class as you approached the front door.)

But here's the thing: of the 5 cars in the backyard that didn't run, only 1, O-N-E, was hauled off to the junkyard. They moved 4 broken, as in NOT working, cars to the new place!

It's true. Check the pic below.

No wonder they haven't finished moving!

Potato.

Party of 5

In the beginning, when the earth was young and... wait. We've already covered that.

About a year or more ago I started planting a seed with S that I wanted her to come back to KS to go to college. First she said yes, then no, then yes... you get the picture. As an added incentive for college, I promised all the kids many moons ago (when I used to make a lot more money) that I'd give them a laptop for graduation if they'd go to college. (If any of you are thinking of using this tatic, don't do it. It doesn't work.)

Then she started dating DS and lost her perfect sense of equilibrium. It was DS all day, every day, all the time. Thankfully, DS is a pretty good kid. He, too, has a screwed up home life, so he fits right in. :-)

DS planned on going to college, but he had no plans of leaving TX. So on my next visit I had a little talk with him. He was almost beligerent when he replied, "S & I are not breaking up." Right or wrong I made the decision there that it was more important that S go to college. So I replied, "Nobody's asking you to." By the time I left he was all, "Shoot yeah I'll go to KS! Maybe I'll like it so much I'll stay!"

Until DS, S was an A/B student. After DS... eh, not so much. However, she excelled long enough to be offered the opportunity to graduate a year early. Since DS had already graduated, S whole-heartedly took that option. DS was waiting to go to college so that he and S could go at the same time. (Isn't that just prescious?)

At the beginning of the 2008, S & DS had planned to go to a nearby community college in TX. However, when I took E to visit a community college in KS, I got a call that S & DS had applied to a community college near me. (Apparently, despite repeated attempts, the TX college had not received / acknowledged DS' transcripts. After the 3rd or 4th try, S decided to apply at the college near me.) Their letters arrived on the same day, and blew shit all over me. Here I was having a great time with E, only to be accused of some master manipulation of S & DS and what college they were going to. Ok, #1, I really didn't know in advance; I found out with everyone else. #2, it was no secret (unlike this blog, so if you see someone from my family DON'T TELL THEM!) that I had been trying to convince S to go to college near me. #3, why does it bother CR so that she found out in the doctor's office vs. home? So CR calls my mom, my mom calls me and I get my ear chewed off for "plotting" against them. Paranoid much?

When I took E back from the college visit, I sat down with S & DS and had the "there's going to be rules" discussion. They didn't care. DS wanted away from his dad; S wanted away from her "psycho" mother. (Seriously, I'd be talking to C on the phone and in the background I'd hear S screaming at the top of her lungs, "You're PSYCHO!!!" Ahhhh, to be 17 again...)

But here's the extra dollup of drama: DS is on probation. He and some of his friends were horsing around one night at a QT. At some point DS knocked down a paramedic. 3 months later the paramedic decided to press charges.

So when the move was decided, I told him to get in contact with his probation officer immediately and find out what needed to be done in order for him to be able to move. However, having not ever known anyone on probation before, I didn't know any other suggestions &/or questions to ask. A week (or maybe it was two ... who keeps track?) later I got a message from him that he'd talked to his probation officer and it was going to be "NO PROBLEM." (That should have been my first clue...)

Fast forward... now it's the day before graduation, the same day I'm driving to TX, the same day I rented a mini-van to carry my extra passengers and I get a message from DS about his probation officer. I didn't understand the message, and it was a very busy day for me, so I elected to call him later.

So I'm driving, driving, driving (it's a long effing drive to TX, I tell you that!) and suddenly I have a voicemail. My phone does that sometimes. Sometimes it keeps a voicemail for daaaays before it tells me about them. Nice, huh? So if you think I'm not returning your call, just know that it's my phone, not me. Anyway, the voicemail is S crying, "DS can't go!"

Turns out that the probation office that told DS it was "NO PROBLEM" was the p.o. for their little town. The case actually exists in Fort Worth, which is where the real probation office lives. And she told him, "Who the F are you to think we can just LET you go to another state?" (Ok, I'm paraphrasing, just a little.) He was shocked because of what the other guy said... suffice to say the meeting did not go well.

Next thing I know, I'm getting up at oh-dark-thirty (or maybe it was 8:30... my eyes don't really focus until after 10) and driving to Fort Worth. No sense of direction, and un-focusing eyes. That's the best way to get to FW. That was fun: my mother navigating with the GPS on my phone. "The screen is too tiny! I can't see!" Can you see if I'm still on the right path? "No." Oh, give me the phone back so I can hold it and pretend like I know where I'm going. Parking was $5/15 min. The criminals are not just in the court houses down there. Then we went to the wrong building, where they practically strip-searched us to get in. Everyone kept asking for my case number. I was apalled that they thought I looked like a felon. Besides, how many of them bring their mother's in tow? Good times.

When we finally get there, she's like, "And who are you again? One of DS' relatives?" No. He's just dating my niece... with whom he fathered a child, due in December. Yep, that's right boys and girls: Me, E, S, DS, and baby makes 5! Woo-hoo! Par-taaay!

An hour later, the main p.o. & I are bff's. She doesn't hate DS anymore. He still can't go anywhere, but she's willing to help things go in his favor. Only now I have to write a "letter of support" for him. Arrrgh. I get as far as, "To whom it may concern" and then I get writer's block. What was I thinking?? His case is up for review in August. S decided to stay in TX until he can come. (Surprise, surprise)

In the beginning, or middle as the case may be

Long after the earth had cooled, the mountains had formed, and man began walking upright, my family drama began. Not to imply that my family is the only one with drama, but it is my blog, afterall.

I'd love to start the story from the beginning, but that doesn't really fit with the family dynamic, so we'll start mid-chapter with ... oh, say, Friday.

My niece, C, and my nephew, E, were staying with me. My niece was staying for a couple weeks during the summer as she has done ever since her mother, CR, packed the kids up and moved to TX. My nepew had decided to move in with me after graduation (after having been rejected by his father and his [maternal] grandmother).

Late Friday afternoon E's paternal grandmother, K, called me. They were scheduled to lead E back to their house (approx. 2.5 hrs away). She called, among other reasons, to find out how much stuff E was bringing back with him to store at their house. This was the first I'd heard about this. Why is he storing stuff at your house, I asked? She said he told her there was no place to store it at my house. While I don't have a mansion, I do have room -- nothing some shelves can't overcome. Then she asked what his plans for school were. "Well, " I explained, "he had originally planned to go to school and live with his dad, but J said no." I wanted to say that with a lot more adjectives, but even I know a brick wall when I see it. Besides, surely she already knew this part of the story...

"No." she replied empatically. "He did not say that E couldn't live with him. He said there would be rules. See, J told me that E has been hitting on his wife, SY, and that was going to have to stop if E was living with them. But J really wants him to live with them." First, while E is 18, he's a very, very immature 18... like, maybe 14. I doubt he'd know how to make a pass if someone gave him written instructions. That's when I knew that J had finally snowed his mom. Over the years I'd had respect for her because she always knew when J was being particularly assholistic and usually she'd knock him upside the head (or whatever). Not that it always fixed the situation, but more often than not it made it better. But now we'd finally reached the point in time where she could no longer help.

Second, E takes (and definitely needs) several psychotropic medications. J doesn't believe E needs said medications. When E was younger, CR had to have medical neglect charges filed against J because he wouldn't give E his medications. (CR won that battle, BTW.)

So after seeing E more relaxed in the past week than he's been in years, and after finallly getting used to the idea that he really was going to be living with me, I was stunned to hear that he was plotting to move in with ... [swallowing back a nasty burp] J.

To further complicate the situation, K did not want E to bring his truck. It wasn't registered because E bought the truck from CR's new husband's mother. (This is not a family tree... it's a friggin weed.) She failed to sign the back of the title. This was the second conversation I'd had with J's parents about that damn title. I truly believe it was just an oversight, but the two of them were acting like it was a dirty trick played on him. "Why would they do that to a kid?" Oh, NOW he's a kid??? A minute ago he was making a pass at his step-mom. Make up your mind.

E was furious that they did not want him to bring his truck. He wanted to be able to drive to visit whatever family member he felt like and not be trapped in someone's house.

As if all that wasn't enough for 5:00 on a Friday, I find out that C wants to cut her visit short and catch a ride with E to visit other family.

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. C had said nothing about wanting to cut her visit short to me.

I waited for K to talk to E, then I called the house. C answered the phone and I could hear him screaming in the background. I decided to cut the day short and come home.

E was gone when I got home. While he has a GPS, I don't think he keeps it in the truck. So he's in a new town, albeit a tiny, tiny town, driving around, mad as hell... just about the time I considered calling the police, he pulled back in the driveway. He was in a little better mood, but not much.

A long talk later and he confessed he was thinking about moving in with his dad, he had no idea what I was talking about re: hitting on his step-mom, he felt like there was no place for his stuff because there was no place to *put* his stuff. Well, crap, he's only been here a week -- there just hasn't been time to go furniture shopping.

I tried to talk about the pro's & cons of living with his dad, but, right or wrong, I also nudged just a little towards living with me. (Go ahead and comment... that's what they're there for.)

I was going to take the kids to see a movie & out to eat. They both decided that they just wanted to get some food and maybe rent a movie because they had to pack.

Honestly I don't think I slept at all that night. I was really looking forward to spending time alone with C. I wanted to cry but I didn't want either one of them feeling guilty. I grew up with the guilts and it sucks.

However, C definitely tuned in to my mood. Saturday morning (I was up at 8:30! I know!!! I told you I couldn't sleep!) E told me that C was wanting to go back to TX and skip seeing the other family. I was working out in the yard (what else do you do at that hour?) so I asked E to send C out to see me.

She appeared and was almost on the verge of tears. I hugged her and asked what was going on. She got the guilts even though I'd tried not to give them. Crap. I tried to explain that both of them had just thrown me for a loop and I was looking forward to spending time with her and just didn't understand what was going on.

C will be part of color guard next year. And she had some sort of CG camp starting in July. So she'd planned her vacation so that she got back the day before CG camp. Suddenly it hit her that her bedroom hadn't been unpacked since the move finished the day she left. Also she wanted to paint it before she unpacked. And if she didn't get back til CG camp there would be no time to do those things plus see her friends. Well, heck, I get all that. I just wish she would have said it out loud before.

Later, E informed me that he really wanted to live with me. After the C conversation, I asked him if he made that decision for himself and not me. He said himself... course, he's supposed to be gone for 2 weeks. Anything can happen.