Guess Who Changed Her Mind Again?

E was still in bed when I woke up on Sunday, so I decided to watch the movie that we rented that I knew he didn't care anything about. I was listening to the commentary on the extras when I fell asleep. Next thing I know E is waking me up. After grumbling and grousing about, I decided that I should go reserve the hotel and van to go pick up S. Their little town in TX has morphed into a "resort" town. And I've discovered that you can't wait til the day before (like I used to when they fist moved down there) to make a reservation. Plus, it seems like the price goes up $20 every time I go down there. Pretty soon I won't be able to afford to go down there at all.

Sunday nights I reserve to watch "my shows." C almost always calls me during this time and I tend to get agitated with her. There were no calls on this night, but as I was getting ready for bed I happened to glance at my phone and see the following text messages from CR:

S didn't want to disturb your shows but b4 too much planning happened S decided today not to move b4 the baby comes

OMG, I was furious! I texted CR back:

Great. I've already reserved a room & van. Now that u live in a "resort" town I can't wait til the last minute. I am sick & fucking tired of this shit.

Yes, S's indecision is driving me bonkers. I'm also sure that CR has been laying the guilt on *thick* (first grandchild, etc.) But it's hard to express those nuances in 160 characters. CR responded:

Can't help it she just decided today. She promises she won't change her mind tomorrow is all I can say. Can't you just cancel the other stuff?

ARGH! They SO don't get it! In my fury I also texted S:

Its time for you to act like a grown up & not have ur mommy deliver ur messages. If you've got something to say to me, YOU say it.

I was still angry when I woke up on Monday. I know I've been apprehensive about what would happen to E once S arrived, but when I examine my feelings now, I guess I figured it would all work out.

E & I decided Monday night to go ahead and go to TX. No, I really don't have the money, but I think E needs to see his brother (& vice versa). I suppose I need to talk to S too. But I'm half way between still-very-angry and ready-to-bawl-my-eyes-out, so I haven't a clue what I would say.

I know what you're thinking: Seriously? You didn't see this coming? She's changed her mind... how many times???

You're right, of course. I did see this coming. But it wasn't til I talked to my mother this morning that I figured out why I was so upset.

She was telling me how much better S was doing: actually helping out a little (not a lot, just a little), grieving over the lost relationship with DS (no, they are not back together), and she and CR were finally getting along better.

Me	That's all well and good, but she's got to live in KS 6 months before she can get "in state" tuition. Anything before that is "out of state" and 4x as much.
Mom	Ok. What do you want me to do? I think that's where she needs to be now.
Me	Maybe its true, maybe not. [Ed: definitely not] I'm talking about her future here.
Mom	Can't you just butt out?
Me	[nearly running off the road; yes, I was driving and talking, but I had a headset on!] No, I will not butt out! I am the only one who's thinking about how she's going to care for this baby! You and CR are being very short-sided in how you're approaching this situation. Since you won't think about the future, apparently I have to!
Mom	Aren't you sweet?
Me	[seething]

I swear to God I almost hung up on her for calling me sweet. You want to know what's really going on here? You've read this far, so I guess so. My mother is SO afraid that CR will get depressed over this situation and she'll try to kill herself again. There. I said it. I named the big pink elephant in the middle of the room. And so she's totally willing to sacrifice S & baby to make sure CR stays happy.

Later in the conversation she told me that S is not going to college & CR doesn't really care. Again, not a surprise. I knew it, but hearing the words made me realize why I'm so upset: I was desperately holding on to the dream that S was going to get out of the trailer park trash world that she'd grown up in... and now she's just bringing another generation into it.

I know you hear me harping on college like it's the be-all, end-all solution. I know its not. I also know that a diploma is not a guarantee. I just want to expose to her to other people, other life styles, other ways of thinking. I don't even care if she graduates. I just want her out of that place.

But that's not going to happen. I know it, but I just can't seem to come to grips with it.